eh..

the day started off unpleasantly <---is tht a word ? lol anyway, idk why im so stressed. pause..
i do knw why im so stressed. and its my own fault. and sometimes, honestly i wish i could be a different person. then i look at all the things i have tht other ppl dnt, and im happy with who i am. the things i wanna change are the things tht can be changed if i stay consistent. and tht whole consistency thing, as far as academics and hell every aspect in life has been easy for me. but college has given tht a run for its money. and it sucks..

im gonna lock myself in a room with nothing but books and paper and a bit of food. ill have no choice to study and stay focused on my work. it wont even be a comfortable room so tht i wont f all asleep. sounds like a plan ? lol i just woke up with teary eyes. thinking of myself as a failure. knwing tht i can do better but taking alternative steps to stray me away from tht "better" and im upset with myself honestly.. (excuse any typos)

im upset tht i am not doing what i could have been doing. and it sucks, i ve even let this stress thin my faith. and sometimes my faith is all i have, and when i lose tht, i'll be stuck. and no one likes to be stuck. smh.. im a mess.

im about to go to my room and say a meeaaannn prayer. god knws my heart, but i dnt. and thts my problem. i wont give my issues to him. and th more i try to let him handle it, the more i worry. and he cant deal with it if im in the way. so from now on, i need to be in the school books AND the bible. my faith is not as strong as it used to and should be. and thts obviously taking a toll on me man.. it sucks.

i asked my bestfriendforever to give me words of advice, as i always do in times of need, and he did just tht. and it seems as if i dnt even have to tell him the problem, but he knws exactly what to say. and im crying as i type because, to have someone complete you like tht.. i digress,

my weekend didnt go as planned. good news: it snowed, bad news: it snowed. lol no one came up to huntsville but tyron. and thts ok. i was upset at first, but me and tyron strengthened our bond. and tht was amazing in itself. i love tht man honestly. and i'd be quite lost without him.

i went to the movies and saw new moon. it probably woulda been better if i woulda saw the first one first. lol but it was alright. interesting. the main men in the movie were sexy, whew ! (wipes forehead) <-- lol but yeah, it was cool..

i got high. lol and i knw tht sounds bad but, it tkes me to another level of thinking. im already at another state of mind than others, the weed tkes me to another world. and i like tht. im not justifying it. but im not knocking it.

im ready to tke finals, PASS them, and go home. i needa break. im 18 now lol and although it hasnt happened yet, things are about to change. or maybe they already are happening and i havent noticed them yet. nonetheless, 18 is a big year. and things will happen tht i may or may not be ready for.. but here they come. lol

i dnt have my music (darnit) and i was really upset too.. but its fine. i still had alot of this shit on my mind, and you're the only one who can tke it all in without being overwhelmed. lol but im dont for now.

im going to my room to eat and sleep. ima study for this math test i have and then im sleeping until 4.

i'll write later. byeee
rae <3